I’ve talked about some of my personal life quite sporadically here and there, especially when I first started blogging. As the blog grew and more and more people visited my site, I started keeping my personal life private since there is a very thin line between personal and public life as a blogger. This post is very personal and I’ve thought about it over and over on how to break the news to you guys. It’s so weird since I’ve never sought out to be a ‘public’ person and I do consider you all as my friends or even sisters so telling you guys about this shouldn’t be so hard but it is—but sometimes talking about it or writing about it helps and if there is anyone out there who’s going through a similar situation, I hope that this post helps you.
So here it goes. After 2,5 years of amazingness with my ex, we have decided to call it quits. You guys, he was my world. When it ended I thought my world had ended BUT I survived, living another day in this beautiful world and here I am writing this post.
Here’s what got me through (and is helping me get through) the breakup.
- Cry it out. We’re human, we have emotions, and God made tears and they’re meant to fall so don’t hold it in. One thing about me is that I don’t cry often and especially in front of people. Over the years, I’ve learned how to swallow my tears and I felt like crying was showing weakness but boy, did it feel good to cry out loud. I cried in my car, doing my exercise (both sweat and tears were falling down), while watching a movie in the theater, I cried myself to bed many, many nights and woke up with extremely swollen eyes that made me look more Asian that I already am. I cried during work meetings or whenever anybody asked about him. If I even heard his name, my eyes would get watery. Crying it out made me feel better eventually. Sometimes I’d listen to sad songs on purpose so I can cry even more. After quite a bit of crying lots of the ugly, sad faces that comes along with that, I got dehydrated and someone told me crying is bad for the skin so that kind of helped me stop crying. Also, when you cry so much, you realize it’s sad, but thing could be worst. He may have been my world, but the real world still goes on.
- Eat Healthy and if you must, eat frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. My friend Yasmin suggested Ben & Jerry’s while watching relationship classics such as Hitch, but I prefer eating ice cream (from lots of brands). The one thing that made me feel better was eating. I know many people who lost a lot of weight after a break up because they lost their appetite, but this didn’t happen to me. It would have been nice if I craved food a little less, but really, nothing felt better than eating a giant bowl of ice cream. I think this also had to do with not wanting to be alone. I’d meet up with my friends just to go eat and man, I ate so much and I gained a lot of weight and people noticed. Every single day whether it was on Instagram, my blog or even via Twitter, people were asking if I was pregnant and commented that I gained weight. That’s how much I ate. Anyways, sometimes when our emotion messes with our head, we tend to just binge eat like I did. Instead of reaching for a bag of chips and Dean & Deluca chocolate bars, I started reaching for dried mangoes, berries and granola instead so even my binge eating was at least healthy.
- Work-out. All I wanted to do after the breakup was stay in and be sad and miserable and I’m not going to lie, I did that for a couple of days, but I also worked out. Having a workout buddy definitely helps so drag your friend along. I did gain one full denim size right after the breakout (as I mentioned above, I got Instagram comments from people asking if I was pregnant), but working out made me feel so much better. I recommend a cycling class since there’s nothing better than losing yourself in a great workout class with music blasting (the Cilandak Town Square in Jakarta location has so many hot guys so you will get distracted. Only downside is they’re mostly gay.) Running is another great exercise that helped me. Running helps me with my mental state too. BTW, a marathon is totally outside of my comfort zone, but I think the mental challenge has help to keep my mind distracted and the physical demands of training makes me stay active—so, it’s a win-win situation! Overall, my motivation to work out was to feel happy about myself rather than to please others. Working out makes my body stronger, but also makes my mental state stronger and makes me feel better altogether.
- Surround yourself with loved ones. Although I don’t have a lot of friends, I am so grateful for the few friends I have because they are just so caring and amazing. My friends and my sister all slept over and being sad with them was far better than being sad by myself. If you’re ever feeling down, I suggest calling my sister Regina. She’s so hilarious that she’ll make you forget why you are sad. Just being with my friends and family made me forget about the situation and gave me assurance that everything was going to be ok.
- Think of all the reasons why you’re so amazing. After the break up, I felt so unworthy. I felt ugly and unwanted. It became so easy to focus on my flaws and the things that I thought were wrong with me and I started blaming myself a lot. I have always been an optimist and a super positive person, but I was slowly becoming the opposite. After watching a few TED Talks (I highly recommend them!) and reading motivation quotes, I started looking at things more positively again and became grateful for what I do have and realized that I’m not a bad person—I’m a great person, actually! Ok, this is going to sound very narcissistic, but trying to think of all the reasons that make me so great helped me realize that, dude, I am awesome and I deserve the best! I’m hard working, I love animals, I have so much compassion for the less fortunate, I have great legs, I make my own money and pay for all of my own stuff, I dress well, I have a great career, I have the raddest sister, etc. All of these things made me realize that I don’t need a man to be happy and that I’m a strong and independent woman. His loss, right?
- Don’t drunk text him or drunk dial him. Thankfully I don’t drink, but I know so many girls who do this. Truth is, he broke up with you and doesn’t want to hear from you. You’ll only make a fool of yourself so do NOT do it! Not calling him or texting him sends him a bigger message, which is that you have moved on with your life and you’re keeping yourself busy building your empire.
- Smile even if you don’t feel like it. People say I’m one of the most optimistic and happiest (and hyper) person they know and when I was going through the breakup I was so sad I basically forgot to smile. My mouth was always pouting and it was so hard to find a reason to smile and be happy. It takes 21 days to form a habit so I started forcing a smiling more. I looked funny, probably, but it helps. Also, waking up every morning and starting the day with gratitude, however small or big it is, really puts things into perspective and makes you realize there are so many reasons to be happy. Studies say that even the most forced of smiles can genuinely decrease your stress level and actually make you happier. So go on, smile!
- Don’t jump into another relationship too quickly a.k.a. don’t rebound. There will be an emptiness in your heart and you may feel like the only way to fill it is with a new person, but you need time to heal on your own. Don’t settle for someone just because you don’t want to be alone. I’m doing things that I like without thinking about what my boyfriend would liked or not. I’m taking care of myself and going out with my family and friends. Focusing on yourself and learning about yourself will be one of the most valuable lessons from a breakup. If you can NOT be happy alone, you’ll never be fully happy with someone else either.
- Stay busy. Whether it’s spending time with your family, hanging out with your friends or focusing on your job, or picking up new hobbies, staying busy really helps. Having two full time jobs as a founder and business development really helped me stay busy and forget about the break up. Also, I travel a lot so that helped me as well. The hardest times would be when I was back in Jakarta and not traveling as much. It was so hard, but I kept trying to focus on my job.
- One day, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. I saw this quote somewhere and it really resonates me and gives me hope. 🙂
My hope for Lova Project is that it becomes a community where us girls and boys can talk to each other and be there for one another as well as sharing inspiration. Please do share if you have any good healing tips that helped you get through a breakup!